6. (In)fertility

These days I decided not to think too much about the future, but to enjoy the last days of the second trimester. They say, the second one was for enjoyment, so here I am, enjoying my pregnancy, without thinking too much. I've noticed that I'm starting to change, with my friends who don't have children we're running out of topics to talk about, because I'm preoccupied with reading about proper breathing during childbirth, while they're with normal things like past weekend events and news from the world show-biz scene. Subconsciously, I'm starting to look for "new friends" and that scares me because I don't want to change radically, I still am and should remain "me". But in my search for "new friends", I found a real gem of a person, a woman with whom I think I can talk for hours without looking at my watch. Her name is Ana.
Anna decided to write to me, having read my earlier sincere presentation about brave women and to answer my question "How are you?". Ana clearly needed someone to ask her, and I was happy to listen. Although we communicated via e-mail, I felt as if she was here, next to me, as if we were drinking our afternoon coffee together, passing each other a compliment along the way.
I asked her, "How was your road to motherhood?", to which she replied, "Tough." After this response of hers, I couldn't do anything for about ten minutes, but watch the thin black line in the empty space of my e-mail blink. I didn't know what to say, what to answer her, what to ask her. "Do you want to talk about it?" were the only words I thought were convenient to say to her, because not everyone is always ready to talk about their battles. But Ana is not one of them. Ana told me everything.

"Struggling with infertility can completely take over your life. People look, talk behind our backs, there are even those who take it upon themselves to advise us without being asked. Everyone is smart, everyone knows more than us. They are full of assumptions and judgments about why we fail. They are full of stories read on some website, heard at the local grocery store, or on a TV show. But none of those stories are ours. 'It's all in your head!', 'Relax, that's the only way you'll succeed!', 'First adopt a child, that will bring you happiness'...
I've also heard, 'It's easy for you, enjoy it while you don't have children, the trouble comes later'. Well! It's not easy for me! A ton of weight is on my heart, rage and anger rips my soul every time I see a small child. There is a lump in my throat when I see a pregnant woman and I fight the tears so that I don't betray myself, so that I don't reveal what my soul is carrying. I'm waiting to get home. Then I let my tears go."

Not knowing who Ana is, what she looks like, what the course of her story is, I tried to be restrained, because I guess even one wrong word can hurt for days. I asked her "Do you ever forget the beginning?" The first time you "stick" the word "infertility" to yourself?"
"Never," said Anna. "Every time I heard the word infertility, I hated myself, I was filled with sadness, all my dreams were taken away. Infertility has brought more tears to my life than I ever imagined I could shed. How many times have I laid on the bathroom floor feeling completely empty after countless negative pregnancy tests. Countless received injections, bruises on the body, all kinds of drugs and treatments. Physically, psychologically, emotionally and mentally exhausting. After each negative test, my heart sank in disappointment and agony. However , in spite of everything, I felt my strength growing. There was something pushing me forward. I felt like superwoman!

Infertility is a big part of my life story, but it has never defined me. I beat her. I defeated her. I showed her that there is victory even when you think there isn't. I got two hearts that beat under my heart six weeks after the in vitro fertilization. They gave me even more faith and hope in myself, in life, in destiny.

Reading these sentences, word by word, as the positive news that Ana told me approached, I unconsciously tightened the corners of my mouth forming a wide, sincere smile.
"Congratulations!" I wrote to her. "I know that there are brave women in the world and the whole universe is working to make their sincere wishes come true. Give your two little miracles a hug from me, I'm really happy for the happy ending of your story!"
"Miracle!" she replied. "But that's not the end of my story." Three years after those two little hearts were born via IVF, I got pregnant again, this time naturally. We got another daughter! Well, that's a miracle, isn't it?'

Oh my dear Ana... Thank you for existing and for giving me a part of yourself with these words. I believe there are many more women out there who are facing a situation like yours. I also believe that a large part of them are silent, out of fear of condemnation, out of shame, out of not knowing what to say. Maybe it's Ana that will infuse them with faith in the process and make them sincerely believe in miracles?

I know that from today I surely believe.
I also believe that you should speak, all of you, in your own way and with the people with whom you really want to share a part of yourself.
I also believe you should be asked "How are you?"

Until next time,
Nina